Facebook Overusers

September 19, 2012

BF and I were at a dinner party where we met a very un-interesting person. I’m going to call him Constance Banter because, from the instant we walked in to the nano second before we said goodbye, he did not shut up. He talked about his slutty friend whose “asshole looks like the Japanese flag” and the fact that his new convertible (that his Sugar Daddy boyfriend bought him) didn’t have an iPod jack. He commented on my job, which at the time as as an architect, by turning to his Sugar Daddy and asking “When are we going to call OUR architect back?” then turning to me and saying “I’m designing our new house.” Like any other time when I’m with an undesirable person with verbal diarrhea, I drank way too many martinis and don’t remember might of the rest of the night. But I do remember one other thing he said.

This was somewhere between him bragging about his new Gucci slippers and telling us every painstaking detail of his most recent trip to Majorca when the subject of Facebook came up. As with the rest of the night, Constance dominated conversation complaining about his friend who, according to him, was a Facebook Overuser. He said “I mean, this guy updates his status like twenty times a day. I don’t update mine more than four or five.”

“Five times?” I asked him in that tone that BF calls ‘Michael not trying to sound like a bitch but totally sounding like a bitch.’ “What do you have to post about five times a day?”

Seeing my question as a challenge, Constance pulled out his brand new iPhone with custom wood protector, which was no doubt bought and paid for by his Sugar Daddy, and starting scrolling through his Facebook status updates. They were things like “What should I have for lunch today? Sushi or a Tic Tac?” and “Having a kray kray week, but can’t wait to party with my boys this weekend at the White Party!” and strategic check-ins to places like The Four Seasons and Barney’s on Rodeo Drive. He went on, but my latest martini kicked in and I had to visit the facilities.

After completing my business and spending an additional three minutes checking my hairline and the beginnings of crows feet around my eyes in the mirror I returned to the dinner only to hear Constance still revealing the intimate details of his vapid life via his Facebook updates, check-ins and liked pages. It was after he bragged about liking Paul Ryan because he’s cute and has a nice bod, I faked an illness and made BF take me home. I know it was totally obvious and everyone left at the table was probably talking about what an a-hole I was, but I draw the line at publically endorsing anything Republican, via Facebook or otherwise.

That night, as I lay in bed still fuming that I had to waste weekend night with someone as putrid as Constance, I wondered why he thought his life was so interesting that he had to constantly update himself on Facebook for the whole world to see. I checked out his feed (of course it was totally public as if asking for validation) and, through all his likes, multi-hour updates and check-ins all I could deduce from his life is that it was utterly useless, totally devoid of meaning and that he was grammatically impaired (He typed ‘your welcome’, ‘irregardless’ and ‘nukular’).

So, I went on a mission to see what makes Facebook Overusers tick. I checked out my five friends’ feeds that seem to post on Facebook the most. As I read through their timelines, I was overcome with the same anger and frustration I had when reviewing Constance’s inane online life. There was one person who seriously updated her profile hourly about the latest boy band she loved and how she was going to marry one of them, any one. Then I literally gagged as I forced my way through the punctuation-less updates of another friend describing his latest shopping trip or most recent culinary disaster. But the one that really had me seeing red was the friend who took pictures of every one of his meals, posted them to Facebook and added a query line like “Jealous?” and “Brunch with my gurlz.” After de-friending those people, I slammed my computer shut, livid that I was forced to be subject to the boring comings and goings of everyone else’s lives (Not everyone, just the Facebook Overusers).

And then it hit me. With Facebook there is an inverse relationship between how exciting your life is and how often to update your status. The more status updates, the less interesting your life. Now, there are exceptions to the rule. I have a few friends that update their stati (is that the plural for status) frequently, but with clever political observations or funny quotes from classic Gen X movies (Mom and Jarred, I’m talking about you). But, for the most part, the more status updates means the less excitement in your life.

So, the next time you’re on Facebook for like, the twentieth time in one day and you’re about to post about your latest bowel movement or write a “Dear Facebook…” rant, ask yourself “Is there a better use for my time right now?” If the answer is yes, abandon your computer…you don’t want people thinking you’re a Facebook Overuser.

My advice to Facebook Overusers:

Cut your status updates, check-in and page likes in half. Then, tomorrow, cut that number in half again. Repeat the afore-mentioned steps until the number of your Facebook activity can be counted by the opposable extremities on your right hand.

My advice to everyone else:

Defriend all your Facebook Overuser friends. It’s the only way to send a clear message.