He’s Sexy and I Know It

October 15, 2012


For much of my adult life, I’ve thought that toilet paper should be free. It’s something that everybody uses (hopefully) and, if the government took the manufacturing and delivery over, it could create whole mess of jobs. Because of this utopian idea, some of my friends and family have labeled me with the scarlet letter of American politics: S for socialist. Yes, maybe I am a Socialist, but I don’t see wanting everyone to have an equal shot at happiness.

So, my question is…being a Socialist, should I feel guilty that I think Paul Ryan is dreamy?

I was watching the vice presidential debate last night and, even though I disagreed with almost everything he was saying,  I found myself defending the Wisconsin congressmen to my Liberal and Democrat friends. When he spoke to Medicare reform my mind was screaming “Die in hell you entitled pig!” but my heart was saying “I love the way the crook of his mouth slightly frowns down when he says ‘voucher’.” I feel like Benedict Arnold, but I can’t help how I feel.

First off, that hair. As someone who’s been obsessed with his own hair since the age of twelve, I can say with all confidence that Paul Ryan has the best hair in Congress. Eric Cantor is a close second, but Paul has him beat. The hairline is perfect, the part is in the right place to fit the shape of his head and the cut says “Hey, I’m hip,” while at the same time reassuring conservative voters that “I oppose all abortion, even in the cases of insect and rape.” And not to mention his widow’s peak. My mom used to tell me that a widow’s peak is the sign of ultimate beauty (probably because she has one), and in the case of Romney’s running mate, I have to agree.

For being thirty-nine years old, he has the skin of a pre-pubescent girl. Whether it’s good genes or that clean Midwestern living, he certainly doesn’t look his age. He has no frown lines or crow’s feet. Yes, his forehead is wrinkled, but I’d like to think that it’s all those late nights he stays awake in bed pondering his own sexuality.

And what other political figure has a P90X body? I think the only exercise John Boehner gets is swinging his golf clubs and bad mouthing Nancy Pelosi. And poor, old, say Mitch McConnell…he looks more like the skeleton from Tales From The Crypt that he does a seasoned congressman. But Paul is ushering in a new wave of political figures: the kind that says even though I don’t respect a woman’s body, I worship my own.

So, even though he wouldn’t support my toilet paper for the world campaign and is vehemently opposed to me and BF ever getting married, I still think he’s a sexy piece of man meat.

My advice to Paul Ryan: See the light and run away from the dark side of the force. Your look is too Democratic to be wasted on religious zealots and old billionaires.

My advice to everyone else: Write your congressperson and urge them to embrace the Pau Ryan lifestyle. If everyone looked like him, maybe we would be more willing to listen to what they have to say.

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