I Hate January Jones but Love Betty Draper

November 1, 2011

January Jones has to be the worst actress of the century. If you agree with me, thank you. If not please keep reading.

In 2008, the aforementioned putrid actress was the main guest star on Law & Order which, unlike JJ, is very fun to watch play out on the boob tube. Anyhoo, January played a con woman who fakes a real estate scheme, kills her boyfriend and somehow, to avoid being incarcerated by NYPD, becomes the only lead in some federal terrorist investigation. Pretty good story, huh? It was, but JJ’s acting wasn’t. She delivered her lines like a fembot from the Austin Powers trilogy, had the body language of a body double for the title character in Weekend at Bernie’s and actually had me hoping that the power would suddenly go out in my condo so I wouldn’t have to watch her butcher a seemingly enjoyable script. It was the worst episode of Law & Order ever and almost deterred me from ever watching the show again.

I guess Lorne Michaels was out getting his back waxed the night the Law  & Order episode aired because in 2009, JJ was asked to host Saturday Night Live. I didn’t watch the program as I’m usually in a martini-induced coma by 11:30 on any given Saturday night. BF did watch it and he said that it was probably a good thing that I didn’t see it. JJ was awful and, I’ve read in some columns and blogs that it was considered the worst episode of SNL ever; even less enjoyable than Sinead O’Connor ripping up a picture of JPII. I wanted to check it out for myself, so I went to YouTube to see what I could find. Can you believe that in all of the YouTube database there isn’t one clip from her stint on the late night sketch comedy show? If that doesn’t tell how much it truly smelled, nothing could.

If you still don’t believe me that JJ has less acting ability than my left testicle, check out X-Men: Origins on Netflix. Instead of the mutant ability she was given in the script, they should have written a character just for her that made people’s eyes and ears bleed because her acting was so bad. I love and respect the X-Men franchise to say any more.

So, how can I hate a person’s acting ability, or lack thereof, so much but love one of their characters?

I’ve watched the first four seasons of Mad Men and I think it comes down to three things that make me love Betty Draper.

Number One: She always looks amazing. There were a few episodes after she kicked Don out of the house when she wallowed around the house in her nightgown, her hair was unkempt and she did nothing but yell at her children and suck down cigarettes. She did this and still looked like a Miss America contestant. Normally, this would upset me about an actress, but for her and the series, I think it helps accentuate the fact that in the 60’s women were supposed to always look their best, even when they felt their worst.

Number Two: Perhaps it’s her Grace Kelly type beauty, her statuesque figure or her perfect smile and thick blond hair, but January Jones looks the Betty Draper part. She looks like a spoiled rich bitch who married a stud, had two perfect children while maintaining a perfect figure and lives in mansion in the New York suburbs. I imagine this is why Matthew Weiner cast her in the role. It certainly wasn’t because of her screen test.

Number Three: She’s gorgeous when she smokes. In the sixties it was glamorous to smoke, and Betty Draper epitomizes that. I don’t know if it’s the effortless way she inhales, gently pressing her perfectly plump lips around the filter or the way she exhales as if she’s simply exhaling a breath, but something about her smoking makes me wanna turn straight for about fifteen minutes.

Despite these three accolades that only apply to her one character, I still think JJ is the most abhorrent actor to show up on the celluloid radar since Pauly Shore.

My advice to January Jones:

Go ahead and legally change your name to Betty Draper, drink continuously from the time you wake up until you fall asleep, smoke while you’re pregnant and prepare celery stalks filled with cream cheese for party appetizers. It suits you more than your real life.

My advice to everyone else:

Do what I do and limit your January Jones acting exposure to any series on AMC that revolves around the advertising profession in the 1960’s. You’ll thank me.


3 Responses to “I Hate January Jones but Love Betty Draper”

  1. Homo Honey Says:

    I love celery with cream cheese:)

  2. mom Says:

    I also love celery stuffed with cream cheese.

  3. mnkey75 Says:

    It really is the all-American snack.

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