You Suck Meryl Streep

October 25, 2011

So, like most weekends I spent this past break from my Monday to Friday grind at the movies. After I bought my $15 ticket and obligatory $6 popcorn and $5 mega soda, I traveled the long, obnoxiously carpeted hallway to my theater. About halfway there, I saw an ad for Meryl Streep’s newest film, Iron Lady. It’s a biopic about Margaret Thatcher that, I’m sure, will be amazing. Meryl will nail the accent, the body language and even master the idiosyncrasies that people from the UK insist make them superior to us, their less fortunate cousins across the pond.

I just hope there are no scenes where Meryl has to cry.

Meryl Streep is arguably the most talented actress alive today. She has been nominated for more Academy Awards and Emmys than any other actor in the history of acting, winning two fro Kramer vs. Kramer and Adaptation. So, you must be asking yourself why the title of this post is “You suck, Meryl Streep”. It’s because, despite her proven acting talents and prowess on the stage and screen, Meryl Streep is a sub-par actress because she’s not ugly when she cries.

Think about when you cry or when people you care about cry. It’s never pretty. There are swollen eyes, runny noses and those awkward moments when you try to talk, but all that comes out is a wailing shriek that could rival any sea harpie or scorned mother-in-law. So, why oh why oh why-oh is that Meryl Streep, queen of stage and screen can’t muster enough acting prowess to make herself ugly when she’s pretending to be sad?

It’s not that she’s overly gorgeous. Granted, Meryl isn’t ugly, but pretty isn’t the first accolade that I think of when her name is mentioned. If you take other star-studded actress on par with her prowess, ie Elizabeth Taylor, Angelina Jolie and Ingrid Bergman – they are all considered “beautiful women”. Meryl is not.

And it’s not because she hasn’t had enough acting opportunities. It seems in almost every one of her of her roles, she has an opportunity to cry. Even in Devil Wears Prada, when she played the most heartless, soulless, life sucking bitch cow from hell, she was able to parade her lack of talent for shedding a tear.

If you look at other modern actress with credentials to back up their celluloid competence, you have to admit that their crying scenes are more convincing than Ms. Streeps’. Whenever Julianne Moore cries on film, you know, or at least believe, she’s in pain; Ellen Page actually looks like an alien when she sheds a tear; and Julia Roberts positively looks like Mr. Ed when she hears, in a movie, that her latest husband has come back from the grave to murder her or whatever ridiculous plot twist screenwriters use to get people to see her films.

So, I have to say, or in this case, write to you, Ms. Streep, that even though you have achieved so much in your illustrious career as an actress, that you have missed the mark on the simple fact of making yourself look like an ogre when you cry.

My advice you Meryl Streep

Take a cue from your fellow actress and, the next time you film a scene when you’re crying, don’t wear make up, channel your inner lesbian, and, when you’re told to find your unhappy place, think about your daughter being raped by Hitler while, at the same time, being exposed to all the horrific roles you passed up as a young actress, filled by talentless hookers with big boobs and no talent.

My advice to everyone else: When you watch Iron Lady and you come to the seminal scene where Margaret Thatcher breaks down in front of the British Parliament, or her husband, or her gay best friend, ask yourself “Is Meryl Streep accurately portraying the pain of one of the most handsome women in UK governmental history?”


One Response to “You Suck Meryl Streep”

  1. Andre Says:

    Tell that to Claire Danes who can cry like an ogre.

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