Unfortunate Names

November 13, 2010

As you know, my first name is Michael. It’s practical, ubiquitous and, in my opinion, a little boring. My last name isn’t anything all that special either. I won’t tell you what it is, but I can tell you that it’s the same name as a major electrical company and the last name as two of the Mamas and The Papas.

The result?

When people meet me they usually don’t remember it.

BF, on the other hand, has a super groovy name that everyone remembers. Again, I won’t tell you what it is, but I can tell you that he shares a first name with a famous television actor from the 80’s and a character in the wonderfully amazing movie “The Fifth Element”. People always remember him, because of his first name. They always say “Hey, I remember you. You’re (BF’s name).” but they only remember me about half the time. Basically I’m like the “y” vowel…and sometimes Michael.

Even though my parents didn’t have the foresight to give me a memorable name like Grover or Finn, I am thankful that they didn’t choose a first name or weren’t burdened by a last name that would paint a giant bullseye on my forehead for the overly judgmental people of the world, like me.

Jason Hoar…dont’ belive me? Click the image, log into Facebook and search for “Jason Hoar”. It’s a public profile.

In high school, I had an over-developed crush on this guy that was several years ahead of me. He was gorgeous with piercing eyes, rippling muscles and a hair line that rivals Robert Downey Jr’s. He was the star of the football team, endlessly popular and was one of those guys that could jump out of bed, throw on a pair of old jeans and a t-shirt and be New York Fashion Week runway ready. In spite of all this wonderfulness, there were two things that got in the way of the two of us sharing a life together. One: he was straight. I mean, terminally straight. Not even with a fifth of Jack Daniels and a pound of pot could I have influenced him to pinch hit for my team. Two: he had a last name that could not be taken seriously…Hoar. Yes, pronounced the same as one who frequents in sexual escapades. And even though I would have rolled in the sheets with him for days and days, there’s no way I could have ever seriously dated someone with that kind of last name. There was even a joke around school about it. Everyone said that he had two aunts named Ima and Youra. Get it?

High School ended and I left for college where I met Homo Honey and Bob (for more on Bob, read “Catch Phrase Thieves”). We were like the Three Musketeers  but, instead of fighting crime, we made fun of people. And among our favorites was a girl named Kelly Shubic. Naturally, with a name like that, being the caddy bitches that we were (and still are) we labeled her Kelly Pubic. I can’t tell you the amount of fun we had with her. We’d see Pubic walking down the quad between classes and laugh so hard that we almost peed our pants. Immature, I know, but you have to find something to keep you entertained between classes.

Homo Honey and I were talking about Pubic a few weeks ago, so I decided to do a little internet sleuthing to find out what she was up to. We always thought that, with a last name like hers, she’s end up running a satellite office for Heidi Fleiss. I was surprised to find the Pubic was not a call girl, but a real estate attorney in Baltimore. I was impressed, until I saw that she had married and, like so many modern women of her time, had taken two last names. Her name now: Kelly Shubic Weiner. I seriously almost fell out of my chair.

Kelly Pubic Weiner…don’t believe me? Click the image.

Now, I know that Homo Honey, Bob and I weren’t the first people the attach her maiden name to her nether regions so, why oh why oh why oh would she even first, consider marrying a guy with that last name and, two, add it to her own, exacerbating her own unfortunate moniker? I know they say love is blind, but can it not word associate as well?

The final target of my f-ed up version of the name game is Nikki Chester. Nikki was a seriously unfortunate girl who travelled the same bus route home as I after school one year. Since I attended private school and she public, I didn’t know much about her. All I knew I learned from the scuzzy guys who sat one row behind me on the bus. Between their burping contests and fantasy lists of women they wanted to have sex with, I’d hear them talking about Miss Chester and an activity she allegedly enjoyed with frozen hot dogs. Rumor had it that she’d have her way with the frozen dogs then stick them in a bun and have her dinner. Disgusting, I know. That rumored activity earned her the title “Nikki Chester, The Hot Dog Molestor”. I’m sure it wasn’t true (or at least I hope it wasn’t true) and that Nikki Chester was, and still is, a very nice person, but whenever I’m back home and I see her I can’t help but dry heave a little and turn to walk in the opposite direction.

My advice to Jason Hoar: If you have daughters, please force them take their mother’s maiden name. They’ll thank you for it one day.

My advice to Kelly Pubic Weiner: Burn your proverbial bra in another way. Just take your husband’s last name or keep your maiden name. Together, they’re a disaster.

My advice to Nikki Chester, The Hot Dog Molestor: Since you still live in out same small town and everyone around our age knows about your unfortunate label, don’t buy hot dogs when you’re at the grocery store.

My advice to everyone else: Think long and hard before naming your children, taking your partner’s last name or branding yourself with a  nick name because there will always be superficial, caddy, immature people like me to make fun of it.


3 Responses to “Unfortunate Names”

  1. SJM Says:

    So you’re saying I should name him C? Done!

  2. Love it. Very funny post!

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