T.G.I. Gaga

October 4, 2010

If the world were to end tomorrow, I think I could aptly pinpoint the cause of its destruction, socially anyway, down to two individuals: Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian. If the nature of their responsibility eludes you, please let me provide you with a hypothetical conversation between the two skanks that helps to highlight my reasons.

PARIS: Hey, don’t I know you?

KIM: I’d think so. I was only on the second largest-selling sex tape ever sold on the internet.

PARIS: Yeah, second only to mine.

KIM: O.M.G. That was you? You’re, like, totally my hero.

PARIS: I know. I’m so hot.

The skanks twirl their hair and adjust their mini-skirts.

PARIS: So, like, what do you do?

KIM: Other than get my beaver stuffed on camera? I’m totally famous.

PARIS: Shut up. Me, too.

KIM: Shut up. What for?

PARIS: For having more money than God and looking down on everyone.

KIM: That’s my dream job.

PARIS: Oh, and getting arrested, thrown in jail and being stopped at every airport in the country for carrying illegal substances by those awful TSA workers in those icky blue uniforms.

KIM: They’re so ugly, right.

PARIS: Are you talking about my boobs?

KIM: Gross, no.

PARIS: I’ve had them done twice, but I’m still not happy.

KIM: Tell me about it. I’ve had my ass shaped three times and they still have to air brush it out for my Playboy centerfolds.

PARIS: Playboy is so hot.

KIM: So, you know my stepdad is like, totally famous.

PARIS: Um, so is my whole family.

KIM: His name’s Bruce Jenner. He was in the Olympics.

PARIS: The what?

KIM: He was also in The Village People Movie “Can’t Stop The Music”.

PARIS: The what?

KIM: He was on Dancing With the Stars.

PARIS: Shut your mouth. That’s my favorite show.


PARIS: Did you hear me?


PARIS: Hello. Are you alive?

KIM: You told me to shut my mouth.

PARIS: You’re funny.

KIM: And you’re pretty.

PARIS: So are you.

KIM: I know. I’m so much prettier than my younger sisters.

PARIS: Shut up. Me, too.

KIM: Haven’t you been in like, movies, or something.

PARIS: Other than my sex tape?

KIM: Uh, huh.

PARIS: A few, but they were all bombs, so I’m back to just being famous.

KIM: I swear, we have like, parallel lives.

PARIS: What?

KIM: Parallel, like we’re the same person.

PARIS: Are you saying I have a big butt?

KIM: No way. I totally love you.

PARIS: Shut up. I love you, too.

KIM: Let’s dyke out and make a new sex tape.

PARIS: Sweet.

Even though Paris and Kim sit atop the skank pyramid, there is one shining beacon of light that is making her way like a juggernaut to bowl over and topple them from atop their mountain. Lady Gaga burst onto the music and social scene a couple years ago with her debut album “The Fame” that catapulted her into the stratosphere of coolness. Everyone loves here. I love her; bf loves her; Homo Honey loves her; Mom loves here; and even my three year old neice loves her. Her music is effortless without being lazy, fun without being neurotic and addictive without being bad for you.

Unlike the tireless parade of sluts that have preceeded her, Lady Gaga has managed to rely on talent and hard work over sex scandals and herpes outbreaks. Where Brittany Spears lip-syncs, Lady Gaga actually sings (novel thought for a singer, huh?); where Lindsey Lohan gets fired from jobs for not coming to work, Lady Gag is dedicated to her craft, producing two albums in three years and touring non stop around the world; where Paris Hilton relies on her family name and money to get through life, Lady Gaga relies on improving her sound and finessing her image; and where Kim Kardashian relies on her big ass and a sex tape to feel good about herself, Lady Gaga stands up for other people and has an idea of equality for everyone.

Two years ago, when she won an award at the MTV music awards she dedicated her trophy, after she removed that fabulous red lace face mask, to God and the gays. I mean, how wonderful is that? To dedicate the trophy to a guy who, probably hates her, and a group of people that he’s called the second greatest threat to human civilization behind global warming.

And it didn’t stop there. She’s publically stood up for the end of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, going as far as staging an impromptu concert in the state of the two wavering republican senators that she, and most of America, according to most opinion poles, was hoping would vote for the ban. Unfortunately, Senator John McCain got his way and those senators didn’t vote to repeal DADT, but that hasn’t stopped Lady Gaga. She tweets about it frequently, and has even produced an educational video as to why the ban should be repealed.

A lot of people have lambasted Lady Gaga for being too this or too that, but I’d like to ask all those people: Would you rather have your children, siblings, cousins and/or friends looking up to a young woman who is talented, sympathetic and a voice for tolerance and acceptance or some skank whose only claims to fame are sex tapes, drug arrests and a lack of any talent whatsoever?

Think about it.

My advice to Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian and all the other talentless skanks out there polluting the minds of young people around the world:

The next time you’re in the bathroom, take a good, long, deep look at yourself and ask “Am I doing something productive to advance civilization or even help someone?” If you can’t answer yes, or if you don’t understand the question, bash your head into that mirror as hard as you can. Maybe that will knock some sense into you.

My advice to Lady Gaga:

Keep up the good work. I’d give you the title of Goddess, but I tried that once and Homo Honey got mad.

My advice to everyone else: Stop buying anything related to these no-talent, paparazzi-obsessed skanks and invest your time, money and energy into something that isn’t going to cause the downfall of our civilization.


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