Mann Coulter and my asshole uncle

September 16, 2010

My mother always told me that I should never hate anyone. Try as I have, I’m unable to do so, but I have been able to whittle the list of people that I will actually enjoy being dead down to two.

The first is my asshole uncle. He’s a sad alcoholic whose main goal in life is to deflect how depressed he is about his own existence by making fun of other people. Growing up, he’d make fun of the way I talked, the way I walked, the fact that I wasn’t sports oriented and any other aspect of my life that he saw as a weakness. His taunts were so terrible that, when she met her breaking point, my mother actually threw a stuffed bell pepper at him during dinner one night after he leaned into my younger brother and whispered that he should just kick his sissy brother’s ass.

He’s totally pathetic and, as he gets older and more degenerated, I can only sit back, smile and wait for the day when he’s confined to a nursing home bed, forced to eat all his food through a straw and use a colostomy bag.

The only other person that I truly hate is Ann Coulter. Why? It’s not because she’s an ill-informed polemicist, spreading her hate and glib views on morality and politics to the Repulican right. It’s not because she’s a menace to the uneducated who seem to eat up her fear-mongering, conservative propaganda like a drug addict looking for their next fix. And it’s certainly not because she’s made a mockery of the American political system and any news show that’s dumb enough to ask her to be a guest. I hate Ann Coulter because, in the ubiquitous words of Project Runway Season 4 winner, Christian Sirano, she’s a “hot tranny mess”.

Hot Tranny Mess Example #1: She has an Adam’s apple. Tranny 101 tells you to get rid of that damn thing as soon as you transition. It’s the fundamental difference between men and women that can be observed while still wearing your clothes.

Hot Tranny Mess Example #2: She has man hands. If you’re going to be on television and out in the public eye as a tranny, have the smarts to either wear gloves or keep your hands in your pants pockets.

Hot Tranny Mess Example #3: She’s way too aggressive. No self-respecting natural woman would attack September 11 widows or call John Edwards a faggot. Ann may want to consult her tranny doctor and ask for an increase of her estrogen.

Hot Tranny Mess Example #4: She’s too acute. Aside from Maria Shriver, women’s features are not made of acute angles. Women are curvilinear, with smooth shapes that frame their facial features and body. Ann Coulter’s face, not unlike my asshole uncle’s face, is made up of a strong, chiseled chin, protruding cheek bones, a nose that could cut through a concrete wall and eye sockets that are practically sunk halfway through her head.

Hot Tranny Mess Example #5: She has retarded fashion sense. Hot tranny messes, not confident in their new bodies, generally chose clothing that, if they were famous, would place them on “GoFugYourself” daily

My advice to Ann Coulter: Get a refund from your tranny doctor. They f-ed you up, big time.

My advice to my asshole uncle: Be afraid. Be very afraid. One day I’ll have my revenge.

My advice to everyone else: You’re not supposed to hate anyone, but if you do, make sure you hate them well. We need to strive for excellence in everything we do.


9 Responses to “Mann Coulter and my asshole uncle”

  1. homo honey Says:

    You are and always have been my favorite “hater.” F-you, Uncle Matt and F-you, Hot tranny mess.

    • mnkey75 Says:

      If you can’t hate with your gay husband, who can you hate with?
      Have I mentioned the fact that I’m SOOOOOOOOOO excited to see you and the pickles tomorrow?

  2. Jarred Says:

    I have an uncle I hate too. And I also hate Mann Coulter. We have a lot in common!

  3. Susan Says:

    Your mom needs to throw a stuffed pepper at Ann Coulter.

  4. […] I’ve covered who I hate most in my family (See Mann Coulter and My Asshole Uncle for more information) and now it’s time for who I love most. Beside my mother, whose […]

  5. weighty Says:

    gonna send this to my mom

  6. mom Says:

    Always be kind to children. They have memories like elephants. THEY NEVER FORGET

  7. Noone Says:

    I know how you feel about the uncle thing
    Wish mine Could of died from that tumor he had in his head

  8. jim bo Says:

    Ur a dickhead 🙂 xxoo

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