Kristen Stewart

July 12, 2010

When I started college I wanted nothing more than to be an orthodontist. So, like any dental-wanna-be, I announced my major as Biology. I’d sit in class, daydreaming of straightening the teeth of American youth then driving home to one of my many custom made homes in my shiny new black Range Rover. But those daydreams quickly deteriorated to delusions when, after failing my first two biology exams, I landed myself in the office of my academic advisor.

His name was Father Brunnett and he eerily resembled Yoda. He wasn’t two feet tall or had green skin, but he was wrinkled with large, caring eyes and he smelled a bit like an alien from a galaxy far, far away. I sat across from his large oak desk as he perused through my academic record, such as it was. When he was done, he set it down, removed his bifocals and looked at me with those all-knowing eyes and said “Michael, I don’t think God wants you to an orthodontist.” With those ten simple words, Father Brunnett changed my life and, although I never got that new Range Rover, I was able to pursue a major and ultimately a career that was much more situated to my talents.

Even though Father Brunnett has probably long since passed away, I wish her were alive to impart the same heavenly wisdom of my misguided career aspirations he gave me to Kristen Stewart.

For any of you that have been living in another universe for the last several years, Kristen Stewart is the celluloid affectation of Bella Swan from the uber-successful Twilight book series. Although I could write an entire blog on the books themselves and their horridly-overt Mormon undertones (the author, Stephanie Meyer is a huge Mo. For my complete feelings on Mormons, please read Mormons), I’ll focus my energies on the acting talents, or lack there-of, of the before-mentioned Miss Stewart.

Why do I think she’s such an atrocious actress? Let’s look at some of her acting history. Although I haven’t seen all of the 24 films that IMDB states that Miss Stewart has filmed to date, I have seen enough to know that she does not deserve the celebrity that has been afforded to her.

The first time I was unfortunate to see her in an acting roll was when she played opposite Jodie Foster in the moderately successful “Panic Room”. Although I enjoyed the movie thoroughly (I’m a huge David Fincher fan) I spent the entire film thinking that Stewart’s character was a boy. So, in terms of a successful acting venture for that film, she definitely failed for me.

The next cinematic endeavour that Kris Stew ruined for me was “In The Land of Women”. I went to the theater only to ogle Adam Brody, but my lust was interrupted every time KS, this time donning a new blonde hairdo, fumbled into a scene and practically puked out her lines. Her putrid acting, unbelievable delivery and awkward body language were enough to ruin a movie with one of the cutest actors of his time. Again, she failed miserably in her attempt to convince the movie going audience that she deserved a career in front of the camera.

Then, after hearing loads and loads about the Twilight books from every person I knew under the age of sixteen, I learned that Krissy was signed as the lead role. She must have slept with the Producer or promised Stephanie Meyer that she would convert to Mormonism to land this role, because I was convinced that she was unable to portray the pain and anguish that Bella Swan feels for her undead boyfriend. And I was right.

When the movie opened, I went to see it and my assumptions rang true. Not only was she the weakest link in the cast (which is saying a lot), but she also soured my love of vampire movies in general. I promised myself I wouldn’t see another Twilight movie, but tranced by the promise of a better second installment of the series by the action-packed trailers, I went to see Twilight, part two. Again, my same complaints rang true. It was like every time she was on the screen, I threw up a bit in my mouth and had to cover my ears, so as not hear her pathetic attempt to deliver dialogue. Against my better judgment, and only because Taylor Lautner has a hot bod and is half naked throughout most of the film, I went to see “Eclipse” last week. Aside from bare-chested werewolves in their human form again, Stewart ruined the film and actually made me die a little inside.

Mark my words, no matter how amazing the trailer looks or what sort of promises are made about partial nudity, I will not, I repeat, WILL NOT see any more Twilight movies or any other cinematic adventures that highlight the life-sucking pathetic excuse for acting that Kristen Stewart has seemed to make a career of.

My advice to Kristen Stewart: Do the world a favor and please stop acting. If you insist on continuing to make movies, please bring back the silent film genre. Perhaps without having any dialogue, you can finally convince me that you deserve the career you have.

My advice to everyone else: Please, please, please join my boycott of all things Kristen Stewart. The only way we can convince the powers that be in the movie industry that she is a no talent hack is to not endorse projects that have her associated with them. Who’s with me?


3 Responses to “Kristen Stewart”

  1. missdeloz Says:

    You nailed it! My friends and I just had a discussion this weekend about how she is extremely successful at ruining any scene she is in. It’s uncomfortable to watch! LOL

    • mnkey75 Says:

      I’m so glad that I’m not alone in my loathing for K-Stew’s lack of talent.
      Thanks for reading!

  2. Susan Says:

    The best KS moment was during her Oprah interview talking about how hard fame is (sniff) and how she has to be perfect so she won’t disappoint people. She looked at the audience and said “I mean, this day is like really important to you.” Followed by awkward pause.

    I could hear the audience be like “whatev, bitch. We’re here to see naked werewolves.”

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