My Superhero Boyfriend and His One Weakness

May 30, 2010

Pretty much anyone who meets him will tell you that bf is the closest thing to perfect that you can find on this planet. He’s like Mary Poppins gay brother. They’ll tell you how smart he is, which is true; how funny he is, which is true, unless he’s making one of his ill-timed mom jokes; how calm he is, which is always the case (he even argues in a calm, cool tone); and what a phenomenal cook he is, which is also true. But what they won’t tell you, and what I secretly suspect, is that he’s a super hero.

It’s the only, albeit farfetched, explanation that I can decipher to explain how incredibly amazing he is. To prove my theory I searched the internet and found the four criteria to categorize someone as a superhero.

One, they must come from another world or place. Having grown up in Utah would certainly qualify him for that. If you’re not aware of the strange practices of Utahans and, more specifically, the majority of people who populate the state, read my post on Mormons. I mean, the people don’t drink alcohol. If that’s not other-worldly, I don’t know what is.

Two, they posses super human abilities. Anyone that works, on average, seventy hours a week, manages to cook five-star meals at the drop of a hat, while maintaining a household’s finances (see “Couples and Their Finances” for more information) and planning and executing flawless vacations all with a smile on his face and not even breaking a sweat is a super human in my book. Not to mention, he makes a wicked mean martini.

Three, they wear an identifiable costume or uniform. Every few months we got out and buy bf some new work and casual clothes. And, until we go shopping again, he wears his new attire so much that I can correspond an outfit to what he’s doing that day. A certain pant/shirt combo means we’re going to dinner, another means he’s going to work, and so on. Although not a costume in the traditional sense, I’d say his activity-tailored wardrobe makes him identifiable, and thus, befitting of the category.

And finally, all superheroes must have a weaknwss. Superman has kryptonite. Spiderman’s weakness is his overwhelming sense of responsibility. And bf’s weakness…laugh clappers. That’s right, laugh clappers.

We were out to dinner last week thanks to Fagats. (for a description of Fagats, read “Restaurants and Photography“). We were celebrating the fact that, as usual, bf landed a major client at work which meant millions of dollars for his company and more accolades for him. As if he needs anymore. Whenever we’re out with his co-workers, one of them inevitably pulls me aside and makes me swear that bf will never quit. They say he’s invaluable. Another sign of being a superhero: people rely on him. But back to our meal and his weakness. The restaurant was an old favorite of ours where we know the servers by name and never have to wait for a table.

We were halfway through the main course, well into our second martini and locked in a friendly debate about who was the worse American, Sarah Palin or Dick Cheney, when we heard it. From two tables away, some guy let out a guttural laugh followed by a long, slow clap. BF dropped his fork, stopped our conversation and shot daggers toward the laugh clapper.

“Laugh clapper?” I asked, knowing the tirade that was about to be released, for I had heard it many times. “Why do people do that? Do they think we can’t understand their enjoyment of something when they laugh?” he rattled off. “Maybe he thinks it’s really funny.” I chimed in, trying not to fuel the fire. “If it’s that funny, everyone would be laughing.” he barked back at me. At this point I realized that my superhero bf had been stripped of all his powers and his usually calm demeanor was gone. I chugged the rest of my martini and listened to his dissertation as to how laugh clapping was going to be the one thing to plunge humanity back into the dark ages.

I sat there trying to understand the underlying, superhero reason bf hated laugh clappers. Maybe the laugh clapping combo was some sort of call to arms by his nemesis. But that’s not it. If it were, he’d disappear every time he heard it, fight crime, then return just before I started to get suspicious.

Then I realized it must be one of those weird superhero things like Superman not being able to see through lead or how Dr. Xavier can’t control his own mind into thinking he can walk. I returned my focus to bf and his banter, but to my surprise it had stopped. He simply closed his eyes, took a deep breath and continued with his meal. Then, as soon as it began, the laugh clapper stopped, never resuming it again, even though he laughed several more times throughout our meal.

It was then that I realized that, on top of all his other talents and super human abilities, bf could control people with his mind. I fell asleep that night next to him, thankful that, of all the things he could make me do with his mind, he limited it making me clean out the cat boxed every morning and dealing with our flat-footed neighbor upstairs.

My advice to laugh clappers: The next time you’re out at a restaurant and someone says something really funny, think twice before following your laugh with a slow clap. You never know if Fagats has guided me and by superhero bf to the table next to you.

My advice to everyone else: Have a problem? Need a superhero? Give me a call. My superhero bf is officially for hire.


19 Responses to “My Superhero Boyfriend and His One Weakness”

  1. This is the cutest tribute to Mr.C.And so true.He is super-human and I’m so proud of him.

  2. LOL. I say marry him right now. Even if you have to go out of state to do it(:

  3. Dan Says:

    Dick Cheney is way worse – he has actual influence and power. Sarah Palin is a horrible person, but will never be the daily nightmare that Dickhead was for 8 fucking years.

    I love reading these every week.

    • mnkey75 Says:

      I agree, Dan. Sarah Palin is wretched, but at least she never shot someone in the face with a shot gun.
      Thanks for reading.

  4. Susan Says:

    What about laughing knee-slappers? Same effect?

  5. masha Says:

    Just enjoyed a vacation all perfectly planned by your superhero.May I adopt him as my super hero? I promise not to clap after laughing. xoxo

  6. Mom Says:

    “Mom” jokes????

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