Pirate Part Two: Cultural Insensitivity

May 16, 2010


If you’ve read my post, “Excessive Air Quoters” you have a pretty clear understanding of who Pirate is and why, if you ever see her on the street, how you should either run away or punch her in the face. I thought I had said everything there was to say about her, but recently a friend of mine reminded me of a whole separate explanation of why Pirate is a moronic imbecile. You see, on top of using air quotes completely inappropriately, Pirate is also cultural insensitive.

Example 1:

The first week of grad school, a group of us went to the cafeteria for lunch where the special was southern fried chicken. Since most of us were transplants to Atlanta from the north and the closest thing to authentic fried chicken any of us had ever experienced was the nine piece bucket at KFC, we ordered it, including Pirate.

We were all enjoying our lunch when, from out of nowhere and having not filtered it through the social appropriateness portion of her brain, Pirate said “These people really know how to make fried chicken.” “Totally,” I said “I’d heard southerners made good friend chicken.” “Not southerners,” she corrected me. “Black people.” We ate the rest of our lunch in total silence and all made an unspoken pact to never invite Pirate to lunch again.

Example 2:

Pirate and I ran against one another for a position on the school’s student council. She really wanted to make a difference at the school where I just wanted to spend time with the council president and resident hottie, Jacob. I knew it would boil down to a popularity contest, which ensured my victory, but I guess Pirate didn’t understand that. In the weeks leading up to the vote she plastered the school halls with fliers stating why she was more qualified for the job than I and tried to solicit votes from our fellow classmates who, for the majority anyway, didn’t really like her.

Finally, the day of the vote approached. That morning, Pirate sauntered up to me and said “Good luck, Michael. May the best ‘woman’ win.” I knew that her stupidly air-quoting woman was an ill-fated attempt at humor, but I didn’t appreciate it. “I have a penis, thank you very much.” I responded, trying to keep my cool, even though I wanted to rip her head off. She snorted and, with those two shiny bottom teeth, said to me “C’mon. I was just joking. Don’t be so gay.”

Example 3: When we started grad school Pirate was a virgin. This was something that she was very proud of. She even volunteered to be interviewed by Marie Claire about the challenges of being a virgin in today’s sexually-charged society. But about six months after school started she got drunk at some frat party and lost it to a dorky IT undergrad. And after that she was a power slut, practically sleeping her way across the entire campus. She’d strut into studio on Monday mornings bragging about her latest “boyfriend” and how she really “liked” him. Though she dated a ton of guys, they all had a common trait: they were all Asian. When asked why she seemed solely attracted to them she said “What can I say” I’m and egg. White on the outside and yellow on the inside.” If that wasn’t bad enough, she added “Plus, I like smart guys and everyone knows that all Asians are smart.”

Example 4: Our last year of school we had an exchange student named Janet join our class. Janet was super nice and adorable, always wearing clothes that looked like they came from Barbie’s dram closet or Forever 21. Her favorite word was cute and she used it to describe everything from a new haircut to some of the more architecturally significant buildings of all time.

One time, Janet was on the phone, trying to order some special material for a model she was building. Although her English was perfect, she did have a significant accent that made it difficult for the person on the other end of the phone to understand her. So, when she was giving him her shipping information, she was saying “My name’s Janet. J as in jellybean.” and so forth. When she got to “n” she said “N as in now.” Thinking Janet has made some social faux paux, Pirate ran over to her, tapped her on the shoulder and said “Janet, in this country we way n as in Nancy.”

Example 5 (as if you needed another one):

After dating every Asian guy on campus, Pirate sunk her talons in some exchange student from France named Pierre. It was about three weeks into their relationship when Pierre called Pirate during studio one afternoon. She picked up the phone answering”Allo.” with the most bastardized French accent I’d ever heard. She then proceeded to talk to Pierre in English, but with a faux French accent. Disgusted, everyone around her listened as she butchered the English language and even managed to throw in a little Frenglish. When she got off the phone someone asked if that was Pierre. “Oui,” she answered. “That means yes in French.”

My advice to the culturally insensitive: Remove your head from your anus and realize that it’s a rich, colorful world full of different kinds of amazing people. Embrace differences, don’t exploit them.

My advice to everyone else: The next time someone around you is culturally insensitive, call them out on it. Bigotry, hatred or biased feelings about any group of people is wrong, unless it’s social conservatives. They’re fair game.

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2 Responses to “Pirate Part Two: Cultural Insensitivity”


  1. […] of mine, who is also a friend of Pirate’s, told me that the pictures associated to my post Cultural Insensitivity, we too insensitive on my part. She suggested that I take them down. Part of me agress with her, […]


  2. […] we can take the path of Pirate (for more information on Pirate, see Excessive Air Quoters and Pirate Part Two: Cultural Insensitivity) and quit our architectural pursuits and study something else while you still can. Second, we can […]


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