Facebook and Ex Boyfriends

April 2, 2010

I love Facebook.

It allows me to stalk my friends, check in on which of the bullies who teased me in high school are now gay and keep in touch with blasts from the past. Even though I never found my first love (see Man Whores and First Loves for more information) I was able to connect with the two other people I ever dated seriously besides my bf.

One of them I met while living in New Jersey with Homo Honey. His name was Charlie and, even though he was a great guy and we liked one another, the timing was all wrong and we broke up after only dating around six months. He lives in Washington DC now, manages an IKEA and, from his Facebook posts and pictures, is in a happy relationship with a very sweet-looking guy named Tony.

The other was my very first serious boyfriend. We met while I was living in Miami Beach, working at a video store. We went out on a date and within two weeks we were living together. We dated for about a year and, until a few weeks ago I had mostly fond memories of the time we were together.

What happened to change my mind?

He deleted his profile as a fan of my “Michael’s Unsolicited Advice” page on Facebook. As I do whenever anyone de-friends me or removes their profile from something that means anything to me, I’ve decided to wage an all out online war with him. My first move? To let everyone reading this know exactly what a piece of manure he was as a boyfriend and why I eventually came to my senses and dumped him.

First reason: He was a total mooch.

About three months into our relationship he convinced me that, if I loved him as much as I always told him, I would put his name on my American Express account. Being a stupid twenty-two year old and not yet grasping the idea of what a credit score was and how it would impact my entire life, I called up the operator and added him. About a week later I received a call from my mom.

You see, even though the card was in my name, my parents paid the bill. It was meant as an “in case of emergency only” card that my parents issued to me when I started college. With only a two minor bumps to buy Birkenstocks and tickets to a They Might Be Giants Concert, I had, up until that point, been relatively responsible with the card.

“Who is “Balboa?” (not his real name) my mom asked after she received the notification that someone had been added to my card. I fumbled for a minute and then just said “He’s a good friend of mine and someone I care about.” Even though I didn’t officially tell her and we’ve never talked about it since, I’m pretty sure that’s when I came out to my mom. “Well, if he charges anything, he has to pay for it.” she said. I agreed and, after the phone conversation, I urged Balboa to put his new AmEx card in the back of his wallet, far from eye sight. That worked until he went away for the summer to Europe for a study abroad program.

I arrived home one day from work to find a letter from my mother. I opened it only to find an American Express bill for $2,000.00 and a hand written note from her that read “Good luck!” After I picked myself up off the floor from fainting I looked at the itemization of the statement. One hundred dollars for a shirt is Barcelona, three hundred dollars for a pair of handmade shoes in Italy, and the list continued. It was like he shopped his entire way through Europe. Surviving on minimum wage, I certainly didn’t have the money to pay the bill.

I went to my uncle and his boyfriend (UJR) and, out of the goodness of their hearts, they paid the bill for me. The only stipulation was that I had to cut up the card and never apply for another credit card EVER AGAIN!!!

Seond reason:

All my friends hated him.

Actually, not all my friends, but the one who counted, and still counts, the most totally did. Even though they never met and, most assuredly, never will, every time Balboa’s name is mentioned in Homo Honey’s presence she scoffs, makes a puking noise and retells the following story.

When Balboa arrived home from his European shopping spree we had our first big fight. I questioned why he spent so much money. He told me that they were all gifts for me, even though the shirts were one size to big and the shoes were totally not my size. I left him and went to spend the night at UJR’s.

After my departure, Balboa crafted a lengthy and somewhat heated e-mail to Homo Honey, even though he really knew nothing about her. It said things like how I wasn’t ready for a serious relationship, how he loved me so much and never thought I loved him as much in return and it ended with something like “I guess you won. He’s yours.”

Like a real friend, Homo Honey did not relay the e-mail to me until after I had dumped Balboa. When I asked her why, she said that she wanted me to learn what a piece of crap dirt bag he was on my own. Thanks HH.

Last reason (and most important):

He has a really small penis. Like really small. I’m not just talking about a slight negative divergence from the typical penis size…it was embarrassing…for him.

It actually surprised me that we stayed together so long, but I chalk it up to being twenty-two, stupid and desperate for a boyfriend. Although Balboa was a creep as a boyfriend, he did teach me one thing: what not to look for in future relationships.

My advice to Balboa: Pay UJR the $2,000.00 dollars you owe them for the American Express bill, apologize to Homo Honey and get a penis pump.

My advice to everyone else: The next time you’re about to de-friend someone on facebook or remove your profile from their fan page, ask yourself “How much does this person know about me?” and “Are they as evil and vindictive as Michael?”


13 Responses to “Facebook and Ex Boyfriends”

  1. Justin Says:

    Howdy, excelent, this is super stuff, hope to see more.Cheers

  2. Michael Says:

    Thanks, Justin.

  3. mom Says:

    Good to get things off your chest, but I think I dislike him more than you do. Doesn’t he owe me money also? Pay up Balboa!!!!!

  4. Deborah Says:

    Brilliant & hilarious! Read it aloud to my Mum , & we were both laughing out loud at the commentart & pics. You should totally right a book. I’d read it for sure. Thanks for adding some laughter & humor to my Monday. 🙂

  5. Deborah Says:

    Shame on my grammar & editing… it’s Monday. I meant “write” a book, & meant commentary, not commentart… although the made up word is somewhat fitting?

  6. homo honey Says:

    I still hate him so much…sorry it took me so long to read this one! he is such a sad little man…very little.

    So very happy you are with C, he is a more wonderful gay husband’s husband to me than I ever could have dreamed possible.

    Suck it, Balboa!

    Love you, sunshine
    Homo Honey

  7. […] did so, had a fabulous time, dated a complete loser (See Facebook and Ex-Boyfriends for more information), all the while learning what it meant to be a successful gay man. UJR taught […]

  8. […] information) and even helped convince me that I needed to dump my mooching boyfriend (see “Facebook and Ex Boyfriends” for more information), leave Miami and move up to New Jersey with her where she had found a […]

  9. […] to have found BF when I did. Although I did have one pretty negative relationship experience (see Facebook and Ex Boyfriends), I think I came out ahead. It seems that the older one gets, the harder it is to find a partner. […]

  10. […] was living in Miami Beach, dating my loser ex-boyfriend (see Facebook and Ex Boyfriends for more information) when I worked as a video store clerk. That was when I was in my early […]

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