Truth Qualifiers

November 21, 2009

Project Runway is, hands down, one of the best television show’s of all time. Next to The Golden Girls and that one fateful season of My So Called Life, it’s the only other show that I can watch endlessly and still be constantly entertained. I never tire of Santino Rice’s Tim Gunn impersonation or Christian Siriano’s tranny fierceness. And, for some reason, even though I already know the outcome, I always get nervous before Heidi Klum Auf Veidersein’s someone off the runway. But, like any great dynasty, there is a chink in their armor.

You’re probably thinking to yourself “It’s that bitch, Laura, who tried to sabotage Jeffrey’s final show in season three.” No, that’s not it. And it’s not the fact that Austin Scarlett did not make it to Bryant Park in season one. The dark cloud over the fertile grounds of Project Runway when Chole whats-her-name was announced the winner of season two.

It wasn’t that I didn’t like her designs. They were actually quite sexy, had some nice lines and beautiful fabrics. And it’s not that she didn’t deserve to win, although I had my vote, and heart, set on Daniel Vosovic. It was just that, as soon as she opened her mouth to defend what she had created, my ears started to bleed and my love for her design turned from adoration to absolute contempt.

My problem with Chloe was not the fact that she pronounced Houston, Hooston or the fact that she would gaffaw at inappropriate times, but it was how she framed her answers to every questions ever put forth to her. She would be standing there, in all her 5’-1” glory, next to her Amazonian model in some flirty cocktail dress and Meana Garcia would ask her something like “Chloe, what were you thinking when you came up with this design?” Without a thought for her answer, little Chloe would blurt out “Honestly…” or “What I really wanted to say is…” or something like “I’m not going to lie…”. Why did she feel the need to qualifying the truth of all her answers? Did she assume that everyone thought she was lying?

Unless you’re a used car salesman or Charles Manson, I think it’s a safe bet that, when you speak people will think you’re telling the truth. And if they assume you’re lying, do you really want to talk to them anyway?

I don’t know what motivated the munchkin designer to begin every answer with something so moronic, but I do know that models are supposed to sound like the dumb ones in fashion, not the designers. She’s obviously not unintelligent. She made it through the rigorous fashion program at FIT and managed to launch and sustain a thriving clothing store in Hooston. She knows how to play the game of life, obviously; you can’t be naïve and win a competition that pits bitchy girls against a group of even bitchier gay queens.

So why, oh why, oh why-oh can’t madam Chloe answer a question without qualifying the truth of her statement? Maybe we’ll never know. Maybe, if Chloe takes over the fashion world, we’ll find out in a Lifetime biopic of her life after she’s dead, like the fabulous movie based on the life of Coco Chanel starring the ever-lovely Shirley Maclaine. Maybe she does it on purpose so overly judgmental assholes like me will blog about her thus, spreading her gospel and contributing to her ultimate plan of world domination. Maybe she’s just nervous. Whatever the reason, she and all her truth qualifying siblings need to stop.

And maybe she did. After the season 2 finale, Chloe disappeared from popular culture and her annoying quality of qualifying the truth of all her statements all but vanished from my radar until last week, during a meeting at work.

Every other week a product representative comes into my office and basically tells us why their product is superior above all others and how we would be insane not to use it in our next design. Sounds pretty boring, right? That’s why they bribe us with free, fancy lunches. They know that listening to the benefits of aluminum framed windows over wood framed windows is a less painful ordeal when you’re scarfing down turkey sandwiches and chicken noodle soup from Au Bon Pain.

So, the product rep was talking about her product, I can’t remember what it was, and from out of her mouth she says “I’m not going to lie to you guys, this product is far superior to our competition.” My ears pricked and I started paying attention, not to what she was saying, but at what she had in common with Miss Chloe. She wasn’t Asian, she was tall, from the North East and, from the looks of her polyester navy pants suit, not a fan of fashion. So, then what was it? What sort of cosmic connection did this homely product rep have with my least favorite person on my favorite television show?

Why couldn’t I find the similarities? I worked myself up into such a frenzy that by the end of her presentation, I hated her, remembered how much I had hated Chloe, and was so upset that I couldn’t even eat the chocolate chip cooked that came with my lunch. As the presentation ended, the product rep asked “Are there any questions?” My boss raised his hand and asked some retarded question about weather proofing and its impact on the larger ecological context. To this, the product rep thought for a second and then asked “Do you want me to be totally honest with you?”

I couldn’t help myself. I said “No, lie to him. He enjoys a good hyperbole once in awhile.” It was like I was in a sitcom of my life and I actually had the chance to say what I really thought. Without missing a beat, the product rep belted out a healthy laughed, followed by everyone else in the room. It was then that I realized what this fashion-victim product rep and little Chloe from Project Runway had in common: they were both morons. I mean, only a moron would laugh at something that was obviously intended to make them look stupid. I sat back in my chair, happy in the fact that I found the link between, at least two, truth qualifiers and ate my cookie.

The product rep was my litmus test. Maybe I should fly down to Hoosten and visit Chloe’s store. I can walk in and ask her about some design. She will, no doubt, qualify her answer and, after I make fun of her, if she laughs I’ll definitely understand the link. How much is a plane ticket from Atlanta to Hoosten?

My advice to Miss Chloe, that product rep and all other truth qualifiers:

-When you feel the need to qualify the authenticity of everything you say, it just makes what you’re saying sound less significant. If you think people are going to assume you’re not telling the truth, then maybe you need to take a long, hard look at yourself and ask the really tough questions like: “Why am I here?”, “What’s my purpose?” and “Why does everyone look at me like I have three heads when I talk?”

My advice to everyone else:

-The next time you ask someone a question and they qualify the truth of their answer before they even begin, place you index finger over their lips and say “Let me stop you before you go any further. I’m going to assume everything you say to me is the truth, so stop with the truth qualifying.” Remove your index finger from their lips and say “Now, continue.”

Check out the ultimate truth qualifer, Chloe Dao in all her glory:


4 Responses to “Truth Qualifiers”

  1. marsha Says:

    Do you want to know the truth? Honestly, Ilove you , you make me laugh. You know what I am saying?

  2. Ryan Says:

    a flight to houston costs about $250. go for it.

  3. nina Says:

    I’m sorry you couldn’t eat that chocolate chip cookie. Do you still have it? I’ll eat it if you give it to me. You know what I’m sayin’?

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