September 28, 2009


Mormons are freaks.

I, thankfully, am not a Mormon, but my boyfriend was. He is now, what he calls, a “recovering Mormon”. He left the faith last year. It took a few months, several phone calls and a notary, but he’s officially Mormon No More. But most of his family is still in the fold. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve had to sit and listen to his cousin’s testament or how The Holy Spirit actually spoke to his sister-in-law and told her to marry his brother. Luckily, his mother has also left the fold and provides me with a safe haven and a shaken martini whenever we venture home to Utah.

First reason Mormons are so crazy: they don’t drink alcohol. It has something to do with a passage in the book of Mormon saying that alcohol and “strong drink”, which is never defined, and so is not good for the belly or something like that. But I have to ask, if God thinks alcohol is so bad, why was Jesus’ first miracle changing water to wine at the wedding at Cana? Also, why did Jesus serve wine at the last supper saying “Drink of this wine, for it is my blood?”

Secondly, they’re total bigots. They spent tens of millions of dollars to pass Prop 8 in California. I was always under the impression in this country that there is a strong disconnect between church and state. For a group of people that are always complaining how gentiles don’t understand them or respect their choices, they sure do have strong ideas about how everyone else should live their lives.

If you’re still not convinced of abnormality of Mormons, you’ve obviously never been to one of their wedding ceremonies. First of all, Mormons are not married, they are sealed. And they don’t exchange rings. Well, they do, but it’s not part of the official ceremony. Also, they don’t have bridal showers and their idea of a fun reception is a punch bowl and mints in a grade school gymnasium. And they usually happen within weeks or, if the couple wants to take time to get to know one another, months after the couple’s first meeting. My first and only official Mormon wedding was a few years ago when my boyfriend’s younger brother decided to seal the deal with a girl he had known for all of two months.

We pulled up to the temple and it looked like any typical effigy to God, but that’s where the similarities ended. We walked up to the front door and, like from a scene out of Star Trek, the two metal doors automatically slid open, inviting us into God’s judgmental embrace. We walked in and things got even weirder.

Once inside we stood in the large, open lobby. One either side there was a single door. Standing stalwart next to each of them were two tall man dressed from head to toe in white. They were both older and had a creepy mix of a blank stare and satanic demon possessed smile. They looked like the love child of the Heaven’s Gate leader, Marshall Applewhite, and Kane, the old antagonist from the second Poltergeist movie.

Through the door on the left, happy couples walked out with their families. Like cars off an assembly line, they flowed out, all wearing the same glassy eyed smile reserved only for those select few who actually believe the entire universe was created in seven days. One the other side of the room, waiting to enter the reserved section of the temple, were people standing in line, each carrying a small suitcase and a small, white laminated card.

There are a couple rules that all proper Mormons must follow to enter passage into the inner sanctums of the temple. First of all, you must obtain a temple recommend card. Basically, it’s a passport. You show it to Marshall/Kane and they look your name up in a database, check you off their list and allow you entrance. The suitcase is for their change of clothes. Once inside the restricted area, everyone must strip and redress in their temple garments. From what I’ve been told, they look like the costumes from “Defending Your Life”, the afterlife movie with Albert Brooks and Meryl Streep.

As I stood watching all the eager faces ready to walk through the door, I thought someone has slipped me a ruffie and brainwashed me into some creepy cult that was convinced we were entering the mother ship with our worldly possessions to enter the next level of consciousness.

After waiting for the other young men and their betrothed, my boyfriend’s brother, his fiancé and their small contingent on worthy apostles filed into the private areas to be sealed for all eternity. That left the rest of us, which was about seventy five percent of the guests, including my boyfriend, his mother, and his younger sister, waiting in the lobby with all the other sinners. We had nothing else to do and, when that happens, I turn to my favorite and most easily accessible hobby: making fun of people.

We started with the housewives in their airbrushed kitty sweatshirts. Then we made up theories why everyone else wasn’t allowed inside: drug abuse, infidelity, not paying the ten percent tithing of your net income required of every loyal Mormon. We worked ourselves up into such a laughing frenzy that Marshall/Kane walked up to us and said “Could you please stop? God wants us all to use our temple voices.” Incredulously I asked “Did he tell you that?” He looked at me with that blank stare that comes from total submission to the Almighty and said, as I’m sure it had been taught to him “God speaks to us all. We just have to listen.” Not wanting him to get the last word I retorted “Sorry, I don’t think God speaks fag.” With that, I walked out.

I haven’t been struck down yet, so my assumption is that Mormonism is a bunch of crap and, like most religions, is just a vehicle for unhappy couples and lonely single people to convince themselves that, no matter how miserable their life on earth is, their eternal salvation will be worth it.

Don’t hold your breath.

My advice to Mormons:

Get a life and find a new religion. There’s a reason why the word “Mormon” is only one letter away from “moron”.

My advice to everyone else:

The next time you meet a Mormon, pull out all the clichés. Ask them how many wives/husbands they have. Ask if they’re from Utah. Ask how many sibling they have, if “Big Love” is their all time favorite show and if their wedding ceremonies are really as ridiculous as you’ve heard they are.


4 Responses to “Mormons”

  1. michele Says:

    SASSY!!! love it. “There’s a reason why the word “Mormon” is only one letter away from “moron”.” CLASSIC

  2. marsha Says:

    I do not like to make fun of peoples religion, however ,what the hell, mormons are weird.Iam so glad I am catholic.

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