Straight guys are size queens

September 22, 2009


I have to attend yearly training sessions for the design program we use at work. It’s basically some Hungarian guy with questionable fashion sense and a total disregard for personal hygeine standing up in front of thirty architects telling us why his product is superior. When any of us has a question, his first response is to tell us to look it up in the reference manual.

He always has two sidekicks. One is this stupid straight dude that looks like the guy you loved to party with in college, but because of his heavy drinking, was only able to land a crappy sales job after graduation. His sidekick is an equally stupid, though attractively slutty looking bimbette in high heels and a short skirt. They don’t really do much other than stand around, looking confused and picking up everyone’s lunch. Their crowning moment is at the end of the day when the secret gift is revealed. Like spokes models on The Price Is Right, they reveal the prize and try to get everyone really motivated about a piece of crap that’s made in Taiwan and probably costs less to produce than a stick of chewing gum. Two years ago it was a pair of ear muffs. Those were a waste since I live in the south. I ended up donating them to charity that, I’m sure realized that they were even too hideous for a homeless person and ended up throwing them away. Last year it was a leather golf glove. After spending a few weeks imitating Michael Jackson and his unfortunate hair-burning Pepsi commercial I gave that away to my brother. I was hoping that this year was going to be something that I could use. I was wrong.

So, we came to the end of the training session. All the suburbanites were on the edge of their seats, wondering if this year’s gift was going to be that beer cozy they’ve always wanted. Stupid Straight Guy and The Bimbette pulled open the boxes with our booty and pulled out…rain jackets.  “Retarded” I thought.  But, apparently, I was the only one. I heard whispers of “Everyone at work is going to be so jealous” and “Wow, they’ve really outdone themselves this year. ” All for a stupid wind breaker. I think someone might have actually fainted.

It was like a stampede. The attendees rushed to the front of the stage like it was Christmas, 1983 and they were fighting for the last Cabbage Path Kid in the department store. I couldn’t help but sit back and watch the chaos ensue. The bimbette helped overweight men slip their arms in the sleeves of the jacket like filling sausage links. The Stupid Straight Guy convinced the women that their teenage sons would think it’s cool to wear a jacket with some company’s obnoxious logo all over it. Eventually, the crowd calmed down and returned to their seats. Being the only one without a jacket the bimbette rushed over to me.

“I only have one left” she said. “But it’s a small.” “Perfect” I said. “Just my size.” Perplexed, she said “But you don’t want a small.” “I don’t?” I asked, equally perplexed, even though, at the time and according to the fit of the jacket, I was a small. “You don’t want people to think you’re a…” She stopped in her tracks. She must have noticed the rainbow sticker I had stitched onto the back of my backpack. That, or my general gayness. Whatever the reason, she shut her slutty mouth and handed me the jacket. She rushed over the Stupid Straight Guy and, trying to look sly and stealth, relayed our verbal exchange to him. He looked over at me and I at him.

What did they care if I wanted to wear my actual size? Then I looked around. I was surrounded by all these obese men in jackets that were, on average, two sizes too big. “Why would they do this?” I wondered. Were they anticipating gaining a lot of weight in the future and just exercising prudent planning? And then it hit me: straight guys are size queens. Somehow and for a reasons that still escape me, straight guys think that there is some sort of relationship between the size of the clothes they wear and their virility. That’s why there are always so many smalls and mediums on the clearance rack at the Gap. It’s not because they are uncommon sizes. It’s because there art too many guys out there that think if they wear their true size that all the chicks will think their sperm count is low.

My advice to straight guy size queens:

Gentlemen, let me be the first to tell you that shirt size has nothing to do with your ability to satisfy a woman. Nor does the size of your feet, the number of push up you do in the gym or your non-ability to cry during the final scenes of Beaches. Stop wearing clothes that don’t fit you and start realizing that the size of your brain is more important than the size of your shirt.

My advice to everyone else:

The next time you see some douche bag in an un-tucked Banana Republic oxford trying to smooth his way into some girls pants, run up to him. Within ear shot of his female prey, tell him that, contrary to what he thinks, the relationship between the size of his shirt and the size of his manhood is, in fact, inverse.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: